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The Miracle Toddler Diet
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet.) Consequently, people tend to cheat off their diets, or quit after three days. Now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.
Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast - One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Get some in your eyebrows too. It'll give you something to pick at for several hours of satisfying appetite control.
Lunch - Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest down your leg).
Dinner - A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale beer.
Bedtime Snack - Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor. Be sure to step on it and hear it go crunch!
DAY TWO
Breakfast - Pick up stale crunched toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Um. Yummy!
Lunch - Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack - Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug. Wander away without thought.
