The Miracle Toddler Diet

Dinner - A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a large strainer spoon, since taking your time is vital to your dieting success.

DAY THREE
Breakfast - Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in hair. Don't pull it out later though. It hurts. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff remainder of picked over pancakes into glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair. Wander away without direction.

Lunch - Three matches, peanutbutter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Smear a design on table with remaining milk. It's good for your artistic expression.

Dinner - Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, and coffee.

FINAL DAY
Breakfast - A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Be sure to rub some in dog's fur just for fun.

Lunch - Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner - A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Discard meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

Enjoy!