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Expert Q&A

	By Eve Eliot Eating Disorder Expert

My 20-year-old granddaughter makes herself throw up. She refuses counseling. What should I do?

It is extremely hard to witness a young person refusing help with something she is doing that seems so destructive. Actually, she is just trying to soothe herself by throwing up, but of course, we wish she would find a way to soothe herself by choosing a behavior that is less destructive.

However, when someone says "no" to a wise suggestion, there truly is nothing that can be done to change their mind. They do need respect, even if we think they are making an unwise choice. This is hard to bear!

What we must do in such a case is find comfort with another person to talk to about our own distress. Perhaps you can talk to a counselor yourself. Also, you can talk to her mother, and the two of you can commiserate about how hard it is to witness this young woman's inability to cope with her emotions in a gentler way than by throwing up her food.

In addition, you can go to Alanon meetings, which are most helpful, even for people who are dealing with addictions other than alcoholism. In these meetings, you will find many people who are confronting very similar challenges in which someone they care deeply about is behaving in very disturbing ways, and you may find in these meetings a way to think about this problem that will help you. You can access Alanon on the Internet or call information and ask for a local listing for Alanon.

I strongly recommend sending her copies of my books Insatiable (Health Communications, 2001) and Ravenous (HCI Teens, 2002). In these books, young women with eating disorders find help through therapy, and your granddaughter might be inspired through reading these stories to choose therapy on her own. That is often the case with young women who read these books, as I receive e-mails often from them. They say things like, "I didn't know there was that kind of help out there until I read your books! Now I want to ask my parents to find me a counselor."

Finally, begin to practice an attitude of compassion for your granddaughter's distress. It is only a person in great distress who needs to throw up in order to soothe herself. She is not as wise as her grandmother is! She has not lived as many years and has not had as many experiences yet. Give her time, and meanwhile, get as much support as you can from other people who may have similar dilemmas."

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